I'm a rather unusual person, I think, in that I am very hard to offend. I am easy to annoy, certainly - but I generally do not take personal offense to anything. In fact personal attacks are, in my opinion, extremely flattering: when someone cares that much, it is a measure of success to be cherished. When they care enough to customize the attack to the person, actually make an effort - it is even better.
So allow me to submit for your pleasure the New Year's present given to me by the curmudgeons of ?off. Some of these are quite positive in themselves - #3 is certainly true, although #9 isn't. #19 opens up an interesting philosophic discussion which I may address on the pages of AnTyx in the future. #29 I will leave to the imagination of the reader.
Inspired by the famous Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts, I give you:
Top 30 Flasher T Facts
1. Once, he was driving a car, and the steering wheel popped off. He tried to hit the brakes, but then the brake pedal broke off. Then all the doors flew off the car, and the tires fell off. Before he knew it, he was skidding down the highway at 120kph and crashed into a Volvo. A beautiful, mint 1970 lime green Volvo. He owns that Volvo now.
2. He is the sole cause of the downfall of the Soviet Regime. It's part of his family curse, any country he enters soon falls prey to revolution and mass hysteria.The fact that he looks like Justin Timberlake, dances like Paula Abdul, and sings like Pavarotti may have something to do with it.
3. He could solve the social ills of the world. He chooses not to.
4. Runs a coffee shop in East Small Country. Their top selling brew goes by the name of "Thunderpussy." So does their most popular waitress.
5. Learnt how to praise himself so others would praise him too, by starting to address himself in third person.
6. Is the inspiriational real-life person behind all of John Travolta's movies including Greece and Saturday Night Fever.
7. Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Flasher T, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless in a world of criminals who operate above the law.
8. Is awaiting the cinematic release of the DaVinci Code where it will be revealed that he is, indeed, Jesus' great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandson.
9. The "T" stands for Tiberius.
10. Knows the answer to the age old question:
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
11. Flasher T started gang bangin' his testicles. The audiences called him beloved cocksucka T.
12. Holds the patent to the whole Copilot idea and is just waiting.... waiting....
13. Has a collection of gold jewelry that the prince of Whales would be jealous of, and is known by the kids in his neighborhood as "Mister."
14. Is Thunderpussy's sidekick. Carry's her dildo's in his quiver.
15. Despite other appearances, understands how to use an apostrophe.
16. Spells tyres as tires.
17. Will not respond to Slasher P, ever, ever again.
18. Has rather inappropriate relationships with his pets.
19. Has a secret identity. No, wait - Flasher T *is* his secret identity.
20. Flasher T is unaware of the passage of time.
21. Flasher T <-- does not have a period.
22. Flasher T does not gratuitously sign his posts.
23. Flasher T's original website was called styx.net but that would have discredited him as a headbanger.
24. Flasher T checks his webserver logs more than Chris McKinstry, he's just less insane about it.
25. Has naked pictures of Marissa Tomei, but has been holding out on us.
26. Is super impatient when it comes to 3 things.
b. Recitations on the early... LET'S RIDE BICYCLES!
27. *Is* Chris McKinstry.
28. Is impatient and judgemental.
29. Likes to prance around in women's panties when no one is watching.
30. Is dying to see what monumental wisdom will result from the final fact.
31. Would like to remind you those were just the "top" 30 facts.
32. Flasher T believes that a kilobyte is 1024 bytes, a megabyte is 1024 kilobytes, and Top 30 lists actually contain 32 items.
Thanks to the inimitable Philo Janus, the Top 30 Flasher T Facts are now available on a wide range of T-wear. All profits go to Philo unless there are a lot, in which case I will demand my share.
The exact sciences
3 weeks ago